LETTER REGARDING YOUR PET'S REQUEST (RECEIVED VIA ANIMAL PSYCHIC) THAT YOU TAKE UP CROSS COUNTRY SKIING


Dearest Damian,

I feel compelled to caution you against choosing sport at the behest of your animal companion. I too was once was also told by told by a pet -- my cat Shortcake, named after affable TV Milwaukeean Joanie Cunningham* -- that I should take up cross country skiing, and, realizing that perhaps I could work on my cardiovascular fitness and overall endurance, I agreed to a program of three 20-mile treks per week.

This did not satisfy Shortcake for long, who soon implored that Nordic Biathlon was in fact the sport she really and truly wished me to take up. Having no reason to deny her at this point, as the skiing had in fact not only increased my endurance, but also my flexibility, and had also served to tone most muscle groups and improve my general attitude, and admittedly having somewhat childish Olympic sugar plums dancing in my head, I again complied. Of course, as a Nordic biathlete, I would need my own rifle. It is only natural to assume that I decided to store this firearm in my home, where at the time I kept all of my other possessions, and where, after a few weeks, in what appeared to be an unlikely and accidental series of events, it misfired, thereby blinding my uncle Lars in his left eye, which I suspect may have been the goal all along -- Shortcake having developed over the years a somewhat profound yet completely arbitrary disdain for my mother's only brother.

It is with this tale that I caution you. For who knows what true desires lie in the minds of our animal friends? Only the wind, Damian, only the wind. And while their intentions are often as pure as the white driven snow, you must thoughtfully and carefully consider any and all implications of your and Amanda's entry into the dangerous and sometimes cruel world of Nordic sport.

Faithfully,
Brian L. P.

*so-called by fellow TV Milwaukeean Arthur "The Fonz" Fonzarelli

Copyright 2004 Brian L. Perkins