THINGS TO DO WITH JELLY

1. Shape in the fashion of the tyrannical dragon whose fiery reign has the townsfolk feeling glum. With your broadsword, practice lunges, slashes, and parries on the jelly beast to hone your skills. You need not become a 'master' with your sword, but know that any shortcoming in your technique should be compensated for with brash charisma, fate-ordained will-to-power, youthful disdain for authority, and rugged good looks. Training is most efficiently accomplished in montage, where either orchestral bombast or heartfelt contemporary pop combined with skilled crossfades and dissolves can serve to heighten the emotion of this somewhat dull, repetitive, and time-consuming task. At montage’s end, bid a melodramatic (and preferably dialog-free, but [sexual] tension-heavy) farewell to your ingenue female lead (without consummating!). March alone to the dragon's lair at dawn, prepared to die an inconceivably painful and grotesque death for the honor of defending the rights of your people.

2. Tell it that you love it, but that at this stage in your relationship it's still important for you to maintain your own space, and that even though you've slept over nearly every night for two years, you like your apartment and your stuff and the way things are, and that although there's a lot of social pressure to up the commitment, that it's ok to move at your own pace, and to handle your relationship on your own terms, not those of family members or friends, most of whom are the ones neither of you really likes anyway, and some of whom are already divorced and who wants to go through that?

3. Position it just below the dowling. Once the grout has dried, remove the frame support, attach adhesive strips and re-insert the reinforced alloy mounting hooks. Twist the frame into place and secure the EZ-LOK secure-joint mechanism. Tighten the remaining bolts (C, F, I, and L) and remove the STABL KLAMP spacers and alloy support bars. Polish to shine and enjoy the long-life of your new Outdoor Jelly Shower!

4. Certify the results, regardless of how many votes remain uncounted. Do not dignify with a response the well-stated and thoroughly-researched questions regarding your clear conflict of interests, including, but not limited to: your party affiliation, your leadership role in the statewide campaign, and your most-certain appointment to higher office. Tease your bangs, apply bountiful foundation, and get out that red party dress because honey, you deserve this.

5. Blame it on Bob. It was totally Bob's fault.

Copyright 2004 Brian L. Perkins