HOW TO PUNCH SOMEONE, NAMELY BOBBY, IN THE EYE
Six Easy Steps to Sweet Revenge

Yeah, Bobby made you look pretty dumb. Susie was all skippin' rope, and you had on your new corduroys ‚ you know the ones ‚ and she told you that Mary Beth thinks you're cute. This on top of the fact that you had gotten an A+ on the spelling test that day. A-fucking-plus, chief. Not every fourth grader can spell pneumonultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. Hell, most fourth graders don't know anything about any kind of lung disease. And you can spell them all. But so yeah there you were, and life was pretty sweet, chief, and then here comes Bobby with his perfect blond part and his maniacal, confident, spoiled kid vibe, and he trips you and calls you 'dickweed.' Dude. What is that even about?

You fall, because, I mean, he tripped you in a totally uncool ambush maneuver, and you try not to cry, but then you see a rip in your new cords. The spelling test triumph seems like eons ago. And you tear up.

So what do you do, chief? Do you suck it up and count to ten and breathe it out and turn the other cheek like they say at Sunday school or temple or services or whatever it is your family does to feign spirituality in this here country we call America Open For Business (TM)? Hell no. You stand up and punch Bobby in the eye. Here's how:

1) Believe in yourself.
2) Stare that person, namely Bobby, straight in the capitalism.
3) Question married life. Is it for you?
4) Cock your left arm back and cup your hand around your ear, as if to say, 'I'm sorry douchebag, what did you say?'
5) Curl your fingers tight like you was grippin' the reins of a psychopathic buckin' bronc.
6) Shout the Shout of Supreme Vengeance. Sing the Song of Universal Justice. Sound Truth from your Most Inner Selfness. Until you glow. I mean like until you actually bioluminesce. From there it's all instinct.

You see the road, chief. Now you gotta walk.

Copyright 2004 Brian L. Perkins