DISCOVER: HAWAII Choosing Your Destination Though most people only know of eight, Hawaii is actually comprised of more than one hundred lava-formed islands. Most of these islands are named Larry, and they do not like your cousin Phil. This is understandable, even endearing, as your cousin Phil is roundly disliked by peers, family, and popular vacation destinations the world over. It's the tie that binds. Charming though Larry be, tourism is more popular on the island of Kauai, where the delicious hamburger sandwiches of a famous corporation are sold at a tremendous markup from the actual cost of production. But still, Larry persists. Larry offers you Authentic Hawaiian Cheetos®, and a seat on the Laz-E-Boy™ chair lounge. Larry says he's not watching anything, so like feel free to change the channel. Digital cable. 500 channels. Not bad, buddy not bad. We love Larry. Larry is authentic. And real. And decent. There are not islands like Larry at home in the city. Everyone is so rude and self-centered; they're blinded by their own small lives. They have no perspective. This is damaging to the soul, to the chi, to the life essence. Larry is the salt of the earth, and everyone and everything could stand to be a lot more like Larry. But we choose Kauai. It is only a four-day vacation, and Kauai is, after all, more famous. And who would choose Fred Willard over Tom Cruise? No one. Not even fools. Not even losers like you. Shopping! Shopping! Shopping! On Kauai there are many things you can pay for. You can pay for unattractive garments that you will keep in the back of your closet. You will not wear them, but you will not throw them away. You can pay for painted rocks and shells which are ugly. These things are called "family nuggets," and their overvaluation at the register is matched only by their total lack of actual value anywhere else. You can pay for German lessons, and learn to speak the great language of the Teutonic people, who thrive elsewhere. You can buy pet canines and hamburger sandwiches and three piece business suits. On Kauai there are many things you can pay for. It is important, therefore, to also visit Oahu. Oahu is where one can find Honolulu, should Honolulu ever go missing. Honolulu is the setting for a popular 70's TV action drama called Daniel I Will Give You The Phone When I Am Done With It.