DISCOVER: HAWAII
By Brian L. Perkins

Choosing Your Destination
Though most people only know of eight, Hawaii is actually comprised of more than one hundred lava-formed islands. Most of these islands are named Larry, and they do not like your cousin Phil. This is understandable, even endearing, as your cousin Phil is roundly disliked by peers, family, and popular vacation destinations the world over. It's the tie that binds.

Charming though Larry be, tourism is more popular on the island of Kauai, where the delicious hamburger sandwiches of a famous corporation are sold at a tremendous markup from the actual cost of production.

But still, Larry persists. Larry offers you Authentic Hawaiian Cheetos(TM), and a seat on the Laz-E-Boy(TM) chair lounge. Larry says he's not watching anything, so like feel free to change the channel. Digital cable. 500 channels. Not bad, buddy not bad...

We love Larry. Larry is authentic. And real. And decent.

There are not islands like Larry at home in the city. Everyone is so rude and self-centered; they're blinded by their own small lives. They have no perspective. This is damaging to the soul, to the chi, to the life essence. Larry is the salt of the earth, and everyone and everything could stand to be a lot more like Larry.

But we choose Kauai. It is only a four-day vacation, and Kauai is, after all, more famous. And who would choose Fred Willard over Tom Cruise? No one. Not even fools. Not even losers like you.

Shopping! Shopping! Shopping!
On Kauai there are many things you can pay for. You can pay for unattractive garments that you will keep in the back of your closet. You will not wear them, but you will not throw them away. You can pay for painted rocks and shells which are ugly. These things are called "family nuggets", and their overvaluation at the register is matched only by their total lack of actual value anywhere else. You can pay for German lessons, and learn to speak the great language of the Teutonic people, who thrive elsewhere. You can buy pet canines and hamburger sandwiches and three piece business suits. On Kauai there are many things you can pay for.

It is important, therefore, to also visit Oahu. Oahu is where one can find Honolulu, should Honolulu ever go missing. Honolulu is the setting for a popular 70's TV action drama called Daniel I Will Give You The Phone When I Am Done With It.

Climate
The weather in Hawaii is quite enjoyable. Which is to say, it can be enjoyed .

Another thing which can be enjoyed is the company of the powerful. Which is why I was thrilled to be invited to dinner by the esteemed governor, Mr. Benjamin J. Cayetano. The esteemed governor, Mr. Benjamin J. Cayetano, finds me to be very attractive and sexually appealing. This is not surprising, because I am both of those things. And more.

Throughout the evening the esteemed governor, Mr. Benjamin J. Cayetano, makes many subtle and then not-so-subtle advances indicating not only an explosive and of-the-moment sexual storm brewing in his considerable libido, but also a deeper more spiritual yearning to be near me, as he, the esteemed governor, Mr. Benjamin J. Cayetano, believes us to be kindred souls.

It is for this reason that I leave the room with Lieutenant Governor Mazie K. Hirono and have incredibly loud acrobatic sex which the governor is sure to hear .

For those that have not tried it, I highly recommend incredibly loud, acrobatic sex with Lieuteneant Governor Mazie K. Hirono.

Another thing I highly recommend, is the hiring of a driver. Hiring a driver is a cheap and easy way to have someone else drive you places. Hiring a driver is a cheap and easy way to rid yourself of unsightly blemishes. Hiring a driver will finally unite the American people who have stood divided for far too long.

Culture and Miscellany
No trip to Hawaii is complete without sampling the culture, which is vibrant and alive. The best way to do this is to procure a job in the defense industry, which generates $10.9 billion to the state's economy annually. Because the Hawaiians are so friendly, they will gladly allow tourists to help them design and test satellites, bombs, jets, and missiles. You can also get a drawing of yourself made in which your head is drawn completely out of proportion with your miniscule body. This very comical, which is to say... very Hawaiian.

Nearly all of the women in Hawaii are 82 years old. The state tree is the candlenut and the state song is 'Like a Rock,' by Bob Seger, though Hawaiians are far more likely to sing either the Marseillaise or the 1812 Overture at public events, because though it is little discussed, most Hawaiians secretly suspect that Bob Seger is not Hawaiian.

In 1999 there were 4,620 divorces and annulments in Hawaii.

The state motto is "Ua mau ke ea o ka 'aina i ka pono." Lieutenant Governor Mazie K. Hirono translates this as such: "The life of the land is perpetuated in righteousness." No one knows what this means.